Powerlessness

When I try to put myself in baby’s shoes I focus on powerlessness. Teenagers know what powerlessness is, mostly because they’re at the tail end of it and they know it. Younger children swim in a sea of powerlessness, too, for the most part – get up now, get dressed now, eat now, go to school now, come home now, do your homework now, eat dinner now, watch tv now, go to bed now. So, because I can’t remember being four months old, I take the memories I have of powerlessness in the later stages of childhood and multiply it. Get picked up now, get handed to a stranger now, get fed now, get changed now.

Everything’s sudden; nothing’s chosen. Some of it’s good, of course, maybe even a lot of it. But it’s not chosen, and it’s not going to be chosen for a long time. The unchosen reality today: feverishness, soreness, and irritability the day after vaccinations. Baby handled it great. It was an honor and a privilege to try to distract her from her discomfort and, when possible, simply to comfort her. One reason her efforts at speech are so joyous, is because they are one of the only parts of her life that are chosen. Come to think of it, free will is perhaps nowhere more highly distilled than in the gift of speech. If she’s anything like either of her parents (which so far looks likely), she’s going to exercise that free will every chance she gets.